Monkalong 5: The Final Monkening

I am considerably calmer than last week, all things considered. This book though. Let's do this thing one more time. The conclusion of...The Monk.

Ambrosio, Just…No

Okay, I thought for sure Lorenzo would bust through the crypt door and save Antonia’s “virtue” at the last second. Nope.
He gradually made himself Master of her person, and desisted not from his prey, till he had accomplished his crime and the dishonour of Antonia.
And once Ambrosio gets what he wants, he has no use for her. In fact, he blames her for what he did. “What seduced me into crimes, whose bare remembrance makes me shudder? Fatal Witch! was it not thy beauty?” Ambrosio, you piece of shit.

lagertha insult
Me to Ambrosio
Then he tells her she has to stay in the crypt until she dies, because he can’t have her walking around telling people what a bag of dirt he is and he doesn’t have the balls to put her out of her misery.

Matilda runs in yelling how they are all DOOMED! because the peasants are revolting. Practical as ever, she tries to stab Antonia, and get her out of the way. In the kerfuffle, Antonia escapes. Lorenzo’s crew hears her screaming, but Ambrosio catches her and stabs her to shut her up. She dies in Lorenzo’s arms. But first, this wee bit of loveliness:
She told him that had She still been undefiled She might have lamented the loss of life; But that deprived of honour and branded with shame, Death was to her a blessing: She could not have been his Wife, and that hope being denied her, She resigned herself to the Grave without one sigh of regret.
Oh boy.
No words

Happy Endings for the Dude Bros

Don’t mourn too hard for Lorenzo though. Agnes, we finally know for sure it’s Agnes, is nursed back to health by the Hot Nun, Virginia. Agnes tells her tale of woe. The Prioress wanted to punish Agnes the old fashioned way by nearly killing her, but keeping her barely alive and suffering so she can think about what she’s done.

mostly dead
The Prioress
Once Agnes was done talking, I was totally okay with the Prioress getting stomped to death.

Lorenzo replaces Antonia in his heart with Hot Nun. One sexy virgin is as good as another, I guess. Raymond recovers and claims Agnes for a wife. And they all lived happily ever after.

The Devil Goes Down to Madrid

Not so for Ambrosio who is caught immediately by the authorities. Both he and Matilda are tortured by the Inquisition. After a few days, Ambrosio is in his cell when Matilda appears before him. She's free! She made a deal with the devil- and he can too! All he has to do is read this passage in this book backwards and Voila! Freedom!

simpsons devil
At first he resists, but this is Ambrosio so it doesn’t last long. He calls up the devil who is all “WHO HAS CALLED ME?!” Ambrosio requests to be let out of jail. The devil is down with this, all he wants is Ambrosio’s soul.

Ambrosio gets all offended as only Ambrosio can and berates the devil. The devil is all- Dude, you called me! “Call me no more till resolved to accept my offers!”

He stews in jail a bit more, until he hears soldiers coming for him. This time he calls the devil and for sure he agrees to sell his soul for freedom.

The devil takes him to the edge of a cliff and laughs at him. Ambrosio was about to be pardoned! (Wuh?) But wait there’s more- Elvira was his mother and Antonia his sister. (Info we already knew.) Plus, since he didn’t ask for anything besides freedom, the devil is going to push him off this cliff and collect what he’s owed right away. The End!

This book was bonkers!

drake crazy hands
Drake's interpretation of The Monk through dance
I wonder why Lewis let Antonia get raped. I’m more surprised about that than her dying. There were so many near misses. It seems like a weird way to end things with her and Lorenzo. (Although the gypsy called it way back in the first chapter.) Lewis just swaps her out for Virginia. What was the thinking there? It’s like he pulled an Alcott (when she has Laurie marry Amy instead of Jo) and decided “nah, I’m going to keep these two apart. But first let’s make her suffer!”

Oh, and whatever happened to Don Christoval? I hope he found a nice girl to have normal times with.

Fun Fact: The word bosom appears 136 times (compare the word monk: 155). About once every 3 pages. Think of it this way: we read this in 5 parts, assume you read each part in one go, if you took a shot every time the word appeared that would be 27 shots per reading. You could be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. So don't do that!

This was great! I enjoyed the Monkalong. Thanks to Alice for hosting and all the other readers who discussed this every week. I hope you've got your Demon Monk costumes ready for Halloween!


  1. "Ambrosio gets all offended as only Ambrosio can and berates the devil. The devil is all- Dude, you called me! “Call me no more till resolved to accept my offers!”" hahaha

    I figured Antonia would die but did NOT figure Lewis would go through with the rape. Maybe he really just wanted to write the Inquisition + Devil scenes and if he didn't have Ambrosio be THE ABSOLUTE WORST then all that punishment would seem like overkill.

    Thank you for the bosom word count.

    1. I can see that. It still surprised me though. I guess I'm used to the hero saving the heroine and Lorenzo just didn't cut it as a hero, I guess.

  2. First -- bosom is one of my favorite words. Second -- since Lewis was 19 I don't think anyone's surprised.

    Pretty sure Antonia had to get raped so that the Monk could have committed like, THE WORST CRIMES re boning/killing his family. But it was still stupid. Boooooo, Lewis, booooo.

    1. Yeah, that thinking didn't age well at all.


  3. Ohhh, I thought the Prioress got STONED to death. Although I guess there's not much to choose between being stoned to death and being stomped to death. Those are two pretty rough deaths, even if you really did deserve them very much.

    I felt bad for poor Agnes. All that suffering, and in the end she has to marry the long-winded-est human man that ever set foot in Spain.

    1. Stoning could have happened too. There was a lot going on during all that, but I do remember a vivid description of what was left of her. It was gross.

      I hope Agnes likes long stories. She's going to hear a lot of them.

  4. Matilda wasn't tortured though. She confesses after she witnessed Ambro's torture, and takes the blame for the sorcery.

    Yeah, I hope the devil only said that "about to be pardoned" thing because he wanted to rub it in some more. Surely the Inquisition would not have pardoned Ambro?

    The whole book I kept hoping that Don Christoval would come back! And maybe get together with Marguerite! Alas, it was not to be.

    1. I have no idea if the Inquisition would have decided he was actually innocent or not, though given he kept professing innocence, maybe? I was reading something about the Inquisition and they apparently would TOTALLY bring people to the auto de fe and then at the last minute be like 'Oh hey, you, you're innocent. We could have told you before but we got busy."

    2. Maybe I'm misremembering but I thought she was tortured a little and it freaked out Ambrosio.

      I would have loved Christval and Marguerite together. They could be all smug about everyone else.

  5. Yeah, I really cannot see why anyone would pardon Ambrosio of anything.

    1. Yeah, especially when he confesses to murder! But then again Elvira was a nobody so maybe they wouldn't care.

  6. How I wish I had found a way to incorporate a Drake gif.

    Antonia surprised me in both her fierce resistance to Ambrosio and her quick-footed escape. And then MLew had to go and RUIN it.

    Why do people make deals with the devil? The devil ALWAYS WINS. (In this case I'm not sorry that the deal was made, Ambro got his due and that's for sure)

    1. He ruins everything!

      Ambrosio never thinks very far ahead. He is the stupidest criminal.

  7. You reminded me of something that was really confusing. The book treats Antonia like she's worthless after she's lost her virginity, right? But it totally DOESN'T do that to Agnes, and I don't understand the double standard. She and Don Raymond aren't even married by the end of their story (only about to be married), but everyone is already treating them like a legitimate couple and not shaming her for that whole pregnant nun thing. What could it MEAN?


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