Monkalong Two: The Saga of Raymond /Alphonso

This week’s Monkalong reading brings us no new Monk snuggling. It’s all about Raymond (aka Alphonso), who if you remember is Pregnant Nun Agnes’s boyfriend. He tells Lorenzo the longest story ever.

ron typewriter
Raymond telling this story

Everybody Loves Raymond

Chapter 3 is basically a set up to show what a nice guy Raymond is with the exception of making assumptions about women based on their looks. Some time ago, Raymond was heading to Germany via France and got himself tangled up with bandits. I’m not going to get into the details, because it goes on forever, but he escaped and saves a baroness who is Agnes’s aunt. Her husband is so grateful he invites Raymond to his castle.

Where of course he meets Agnes. And we find out why she’s a nun.

I love Agnes. She draws crazy pictures of scary nuns and her governess. She and Raymond fall in love, but she’s meant for the nunnery because when her mom was pregnant she became sick. She promised God to make her child a nun/priest if he’d let her live. First of all, I’ve made a lot of promises to God when I’ve been sick, like giving up cursing and impure thoughts. People promise stuff they don’t mean. Also, I’ve never promised someone else to God. How unfair is that? Want to give God a nun? You volunteer, lady.

Anyway to the nunnery for Agnes. Still, she thinks if they get the Baroness on their side, they have a chance. So Raymond puts on the charm for the Baroness. He laughs at her jokes, reads books to her. You see where this is going. She wants his booty.

Here’s some charming commentary on the Baroness from Raymond:
She was about forty: In her youth She had been a Beauty; But her charms had been upon that large scale which can but ill sustain the shock of years: However She still possessed some remains of them.
The shock of years! But whew! she’s still bangable.

The Baroness throws a hissy fit when he tells her there’s someone else and threatens to RUIN HIM! It’s so over the top. I’m sure there is some other young dude out there who’d love a rich married patroness. So many other fish in the sea, Baroness.

samantha
Get it together, Baroness

New plan: Agnes will dress up as the Bleeding Nun and sneak out of the castle. Who is the Bleeding Nun? I’m glad you asked. She’s a GHOST who appears once every five years and walks the castle with impunity.

The night arrives, Agnes appears in her ghost veils. Raymond whisks her away, but there’s a carriage accident and while Raymond is injured, Agnes has disappeared. Where is Agnes?!

Oh he sees her enter his room at night! But, that’s not Agnes. It’s… the Bleeding Nun. He picked up the wrong nun!  Every night this nun shows up and stares at him for an hour.

Who Ya Goin’ Call?

I thought we were going to have some fun ghost hunting adventures here but Raymond takes care of his ghost rather fast. His servant meets a Rasputin-ish character who knows all about his ghost problems. He knows all about the Bleeding Nun, whose real name is Beatrice and coincidently is a relation to Raymond. A ghost in Germany is related to a guy from Spain? Sure, okay.  

whatever

Beatrice was a wicked lady in life, although she was a nun. She threw wild parties “of unbridled debauchery” at her lover’s castle. She was persuaded to kill her lover by his brother only to die at that man’s hands. To be rid of Beatrice, Raymond must dig up her bones and have them laid to rest in the family vault. Which he does and no more Beatrice. Boo. If you are going to have a Ghost Nun, keep her in the book for more than 5 minutes.

So was Beatrice hanging around waiting for a relative to show up? Or was she lusting for young Raymond? I was confused about this part.

After almost being killed by the Baroness’s hired baddies, Raymond finds Agnes at the present nunnery and gets her pregnant.

mean-girls-movie-quotes-39
True facts
 

So Long, Agnes

Lorenzo forgives Raymond for banging his sister and agrees to help him. And by the way, the Baroness is dead now. Lorenzo drops this bomb like it's no big deal.

Okay. Press pause. I’m giving Lewis the side eye for his treatment of women, specifically any woman older than 16. They’re all bonkers, and crazy horny. Was this a society’s opinion at the time? Or was this 19 year old Lewis’s opinion? Was he having trouble with the older ladies? I don’t like you, Lewis.

In this final chapter, Lorenzo presses his suit to Antonia, but her mom has more sense than her aunt and puts the kibosh to that idea. Lorenzo also obtains permission from the Pope to free Agnes. The Prioress does not like this at all and tells Lorenzo that’s she’s dead. Dun-dun-dah!

So is Agnes really dead? Probably not. Will we ever get to see the Bleeding Nun again? I hope so. When will Antonia’s mother, Elvira, turn into a crazy horny-pants? Oh and by the way, Raymond is also a relative of Antonia. This guy’s family really gets around.

This week's reading was pure nonsense, but there were bandits and ghosts. I would like Lewis to take it down a notch when it comes to crazy women, even though it does keep things interesting. I request less poetry next time though. And more ghosts.



15 comments:

  1. >>They’re all bonkers, and crazy horny.

    Um YES, I too found this extremely irritating. Shut UP Matthew Gregory Lewis, ya jerk. What did old ladies ever do to you? Because I refuse to believe they were throwing themselves at this nineteen-year-old prat constantly.

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    1. In his dreams they were throwing themselves at him!

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  2. I had a whole comment written and then I clicked something and lost it all. Dammit. Let's see what I can remember.

    I wonder if Raymond's plan in telling this super long crazy story was to sort of distract Lorenzo when he gets to the point, which is 'And then I boned your sister and now she's a pregnant nun, and that can't be good for anyone."

    I'd go for a whole book about Beatrice.

    Also TECHNICALLY, Lewis did give us one over-16-year-old-lady who was pretty badass, and that would be the robber's wife, who kept having to save Raymond's ass while not getting herself killed. But yeah, overall Lewis sort of sucks when it comes to the ladies

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    1. Oh yes, Margarite, but only after Raymond comments on her Chronic Bitch Face.

      A Beatrice novel could only be written by Philippa Gregory. It would be bonkers!

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  3. Oh, that Ron Swanson gif is perfect!

    Or was this 19 year old Lewis’s opinion?

    I hope so. It sure seems like an immature male’s opinion.

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    1. I think it was a lot more society's opinion than we'd like to think. Medieval people were absolutely of the opinion that women were always lustful and after some booty, and that stuck around for a looooong time. (It's the original "She was asking for it!")

      Plus menopausal women were indeed considered to be quite possibly crazy, especially if they hadn't had children. Heck, you can read books from just 50 years ago where the characters are going "Well, you know how those older women get mentally unbalanced and all with those changes. Spinsters especially."

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    2. Yes, it's saddening and maddening. Especially since that idea still persists in places.

      (BTW, I encounter the same problem with your blog as I do with Raych's: it won't accept my Open ID.)

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  4. Ahahaha A+ Ron Swanson gif.

    Ghost Nun was so scary to me!! But I was reading it alone in my apartment late at night. But ahhhhh! Also yeah, this supports my theory that MG Lewis crammed like 4 books into one. Why else would you get rid of a ghost nun so early!

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    1. I wanted much more Ghost Nun. I feel like Lewis would realize he wrote himself into a corner and had to get himself out of it. Like, "Now I have a Ghost Nun and I need to get back to the main story, what do I do?!"

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  5. "If you are going to have a Ghost Nun, keep her in the book for more than 5 minutes."

    RIGHT? Come ON, MLew, all we want it Beatrice.

    Your summation of the plot made me laugh aloud in the library, well done.

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    1. For all the craziness of the ladies, they do seem a lot more interesting than the men so far.

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  6. Yeah, I was all pumped for the ghost nun but then she just disappears. MG Lewis, you ruined a perfectly good subplot.

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  7. "Every night this nun shows up and stares at him for an hour." Hahahahaha why is that so funny.

    But what about that part where the Wandering Jew was like, "How do I know about your ghost? BECAUSE SHE'S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU." So she's always there! That legit creeped me out.

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  8. A ghost nun? Now I wish I was reading it. Maybe. This sounds way too crazy for me though. I have read some crazy shit, but I don't know about this one.

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