August 26, 2012

Behold! The Fake Review-inator!

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So, if you are a book reviewer anywhere on the web, you might have come across stories about how terrible we all are. We’re too nice, or conversely, too mean. No one can seem to make up their minds about that. And then, my people, this New York Times article about fake reviews was tweeted around like a hot potato yesterday. money

Turns out, I’ve been reading and reviewing books like a sucker. I’ve been doing it for nothing when I could be making $99 a pop and I don’t even have to read the book. Why aren’t I doing this? And why aren’t you? Think of the monies we could be making! Sweet!

“But Chris,” you say, “creating fake reviews sounds like work and I don’t like to work. What can I do to make this easier and still make boatloads of money?” Don’t fret, my lazy friend. I have the solution.

Behold! The Fake Review-inator ™! Just plunk in the appropriate words in place of the capitalized prompts and Voila! a review is written. No more hurting your brain with the thinking the thinky thoughts. And remember to keep it positive. Authors want butterflies and glitter associated with their book.

BOOK TITLE by AUTHOR’S NAME is ADJECTIVE. I was VERB by HIS/HER excellent prose. The characters are ADJECTIVE and the plot was ANOTHER ADJECTIVE. I couldn’t put it down. I stayed up late into the night to finish BOOK TITLE. The ending made me A POSITIVE EMOTION. I am going to recommend it to all my friends. I will be reading more from AUTHOR’S NAME.

Example:

The Maniac by Charles Turducken is fabulous. I was hooked by his excellent prose. The characters are darling and the plot exciting. I couldn’t put it down. I stayed up late into the night to finish The Maniac. The ending made me happy. I am going to recommend it to all my friends. I will be reading more from Charles Turducken.

Bam! 99 dollars. It’s just that easy! So what you are going to do with all that sweet cash? Buy a boat, perhaps?

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

39 comments :

  1. LOL I was at the country fair yesterday and missed the fake review article.

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    1. It's still going around today. I'm sure you'll see it.

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  2. I'm going to save up for a cottage in England! And all without thinking a single thinky thought! :)

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  3. Get that Fake Review-inator out there before anyone else! If this guy could pull in $28,000 in a month writing dodgy reviews, I don't see why you shouldn't cash in, too. Ah, capitalism!

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    Replies
    1. I don't know why I didn't think of it before!

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  4. Damn it! I've been doing free reviews for so damn long. Now I have to calculate how much I have missed out on and what I could have bought with it!

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    1. I wonder if we can charge retroactively? "I reviewed your book, now give me some $$$."

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  5. Boats turn out to be far more work than you think they'll be. But 99.00 would buy a very nice dinner for two.

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  6. Wow - I never knew not actually reading books and then reviewing them could be so lucrative!

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  7. Brilliant, Chris! Ironically, the template you've written is the sort of thing "article writers" get paid a lot for("spun" articles), it's like you can't get away from it.

    I feel I'm missing out, and yet I can't help wondering why anyone would want a fake review...

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  8. This is so awesome! But seriously--this guy was making 28K a MONTH?! I can't say I'm surprised that people are making money off of reviews but seriously that much?

    PS--thinking about taking the fake review-inator for a spin tonight for my North and South review. ;)

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    1. I know! How did he do it, really? I can't even imagine it.

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  9. LMAO! Priceless!

    Thanks for this. Thinking all these thinky thoughts all this time has really done a number on my poor brain. Who knew it could be so easy? ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Think of all the other things you could have been doing when you were reading and reviewing.

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  10. I want to read The Maniac! It really does work!

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  11. I don't even know what to say about the fake reviews. Doesn't surprise me I guess. Sort of like people getting paid to post fake reviews on Yelp.

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  12. Brilliant! I hope you have patent pending before someone steals the idea and starts generating mass reviews. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Yep, I should be trying to make some money from it.

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  13. Dude, what a fab idea. I could use all that reviewing money for something practical, but instead I think I'll buy my own TARDIS.

    On a for real note: ughhhhh. Sometimes I can't handle the drama of this community. Thankfully there's awesome stuff to make up for it.

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    Replies
    1. You spend your money on whatever you want, Ashley.

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  14. Screw the ethics! Time to make some cash.

    Can't believe this guy.

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  15. Ha! Nice. It does seem like we can't do anything right these days. This is a great solution!

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  16. Awesome. Why oh why have I been reading books all these years and then discussing them on line??? Oh yeah, I like to read and I like to chat books. :) Great post!

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  17. This is great but the song is even better. My friend used to sing it to me at work whenever I mentioned we were going out on our boat. My favorite line? "I've got my flippy-floppies."

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    1. That's mine too. I think I might have to say that whenever I go to the beach.

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    2. We did! I still say it. I like it better than flip-flops.

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